Sworn witness · No. 12 of 12

Juror No. 7 (Tabitha Toad)

Foreperson of the jury

Sworn to corroborate Charge § 11.6 — reckless croaking after dark

Sworn Affidavit

Sworn statement of Tabitha Toad, Juror No. 7 and elected foreperson, entered into file PP-08-21-9420. The witness clarified she is a toad, not a frog, and that this made her, quote, 'the most impartial amphibian in the box.'

I did not want to be on this jury. I want that understood. I run a very busy lily-pad and I had every intention of getting out of service by being difficult during selection. Then I heard the charges and looked at the defendant and thought, fine, I'll do my civic duty, I'll be the skeptic, I'll be the one who makes everybody actually prove it. I am a toad. We are not sentimental about frogs. I was going to be a problem for that defense. Reader, I was not a problem for that defense.

We deliberated for four minutes. I timed it, because I time everything. And I want to be precise about those four minutes, because the prosecution has implied we rushed. We did not rush. Roughly two of those minutes were deliberation and roughly two of those minutes were the standing ovation for 'Bohemian Ribbitsody,' which broke out spontaneously in the jury room and which I, as foreperson, allowed to run its course because a leader knows when the room needs to clap. The deliberation itself took the other two minutes because the evidence took two minutes to agree with.

Here is how the deliberation went, for the record. I asked, 'Whose tongue is on the checks?' Somebody said, 'Not his — it curls, and his is flat.' I asked, 'Where was he at 3:47?' Somebody said, 'Three ponds over, complimenting a gnat, and the gnat came and said so.' I asked, 'Did his own mother's checks clear?' Somebody said, 'Every one.' I said, 'Then what exactly are we here for?' Nobody had an answer. The verdict was innocent. The encore was mandatory. I called for it myself.

I've thought a lot, since, about the frog who wasn't in the box — the one with the same face across the pond nobody's allowed to name. As foreperson I'll say the thing the verdict form didn't have room for: we didn't just find PeePoo innocent, we found him innocent of something somebody else obviously did. Those are different verdicts and the pond deserves the second one out loud. Free the honest twin. Then go find the one with the curl. A toad shouldn't have to do all the thinking around here.

Cross-Examination

Ms. Toad, a four-minute deliberation on serious charges — doesn't that prove the jury didn't take it seriously?: It proves the evidence was fast, not that we were careless. When the tongue's flat, the alibi's confirmed by the gnat it protects, and the defendant's own mother banks the proof, four minutes is generous. We could have done it in two if we'd skipped the ovation, and I'd skip a lot of things before I'd skip that.
You allowed a standing ovation during deliberation. Isn't that jury misconduct?: Show me the rule that says a jury can't clap. I looked. It isn't there. We reached our verdict and then we acknowledged a genuinely excellent croak. The clapping came after the conclusion, same as the tears in the gallery. Order of operations matters. We decided, then we applauded. That's not misconduct. That's taste.
As a self-described skeptic, what single piece of evidence turned you?: The curl. Twelve of us, all looking at the same overlay, all seeing the same three-degree hook on all seventeen checks and the same flat line on the defendant's cast. You can argue with a witness. You can't argue with a tongue that curls the same way seventeen times in a row. The curl turned me. The gnat kept me turned.
No further questions.: Then we're adjourned, and I'm going back to my very busy pad — where, unlike this courtroom, everyone already knows which twin holds the curl.

Testimony sworn, logged, and cross-examined. Four-minute deliberation and spontaneous ovation entered into the trial minutes. Do not remove pins.

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