Sworn witness · No. 09 of 12

Carl

Day-one believer

Sworn to corroborate Charge § 09.1 — physically incapable of forgery

Sworn Affidavit

Sworn statement of Carl, described in the file only as 'day-one believer,' entered into file PP-08-21-9420. The witness has no official relationship to the defendant and asked that this be noted as proof he has 'no reason to lie and every reason to be believed.'

I'm not family. I'm not a cop. I'm not a heron or a gnat or a mother. I'm just Carl, and I've believed in PeePoo since day one, and I want to explain to this court exactly what 'day one' was, because it's evidence. Day one was the day I dropped my whole week's mayflies in the current and watched them float off, and a frog I'd never met dove in after them. All of them. Came up soaked, handed them back, and said 'you dropped these.' That was PeePoo. I've believed in him ever since. You would too.

Here's the thing the prosecution doesn't want to hear: the frog literally cannot tell a lie. I know because I've tested it. Repeatedly. I've asked him if my croak sounds good — it doesn't, and he told me so, kindly, at length, with suggestions. I've asked him if he liked a rock I painted. He said the rock was 'a brave choice.' A frog who can't even lie about a rock did not forge seventeen checks. Forgery is a lie you sign. His tongue doesn't bend that way. I've watched it try to be polite and fail. It cannot bend toward a lie to save its own life.

I would vouch for PeePoo in any court in any swamp, and I've made a point of saying so in several. I'm not under any obligation. Nobody paid me in mayflies. I'm here because when a frog dives into a current for a stranger's groceries, you spend the rest of your life ready to dive into a courtroom for his. That's the whole economy of it. Kindness compounds. He made a deposit on day one and I'm just paying the interest.

I've never met the twin and I don't want to. But I've heard the transmissions — the smug ones, the ones nobody signs. A frog who won't sign his own boasts is a frog who knows what his signature's worth in a courtroom. PeePoo signs everything. Notes, cards, confessions of finding a nice gnat. If he'd done it, he'd have signed it and turned himself in by lunch. That's not a defense strategy. That's just Carl telling you who the frog is.

Cross-Examination

Carl, 'I tested it repeatedly' isn't a forensic method. How is your personal experiment admissible?: It's admissible the way any long acquaintance is. I'm not claiming a lab result. I'm claiming nine seasons of asking a frog leading questions and never once catching a lie. That's a bigger sample size than your tongue-cast, and mine talks back.
You admit you're biased — you 'believe in' the defendant. Doesn't that disqualify your read?: I believe in him because of the evidence, not instead of it. The diving-into-the-current happened first. The belief came after. That's the correct order. Yours is backwards — you charged him first and went looking for belief after.
If he cannot lie, could someone have tricked him into signing the checks without his knowledge?: Now you're getting warm. Somebody with his exact face absolutely could have signed in his name without his knowledge. That's not PeePoo lying. That's PeePoo being lied about. Different tongue. Same face. You've had the theory the whole time — you just had it pointed at the wrong frog.
No further questions.: Then I'll sit down. But ask him if my croak sounds good on your way out. He'll tell you the truth. It's the only thing he knows how to do.

Testimony sworn, logged, and cross-examined. Witness affirms no compensation received in mayflies or otherwise. Do not remove pins.

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