Sworn witness · No. 11 of 12

Bailiff Marsh

Lily-pad Lockup, B-block

Sworn to corroborate Charge § 11.6 — the courtroom standing ovation

Sworn Affidavit

Sworn statement of Bailiff Marsh, B-block, Lily-pad Lockup, entered into file PP-08-21-9420. The witness testified in uniform and asked to keep his voice down, as he was, quote, 'still a little emotional about it.'

I have worked B-block for eleven seasons and I have seen every kind of frog come through those reeds. The fakers, the flippers, the ones who cry on cue when the jury files in and stop the second the door shuts. I know a fake cry. It's my whole job to know a fake cry. So believe me as a professional in the field of courtroom weeping when I tell you: PeePoo did NOT fake-cry. PeePoo CANNOT fake anything. I've watched him try to hide that he's sad about the pond he's missing, and he can't even fake being fine.

When the forensic evidence came in — the flat tongue, the curl on the checks, the neighbor, the gnat — something happened in that courtroom I have never seen in eleven seasons. The jury started sobbing. Not one juror. All of them. And then the gallery. And then, I am not ashamed to say, me. I was supposed to be maintaining order and instead I was maintaining a handkerchief. The judge called a recess so everyone could pull themselves together. We didn't. We just cried in a more organized fashion.

And then he sang. The court had charged him with 'reckless croaking after dark,' and rather than deny it he simply demonstrated the croak in question — his rendition of 'Bohemian Ribbitsody' — so the jury could judge for themselves whether it was reckless or, as he put it, 'just a frog processing his feelings at volume.' It was the most beautiful reckless croaking any of us had ever heard. The jury gave him a standing ovation mid-trial. I had to bang the gavel to stop the encore. I did not want to. I banged it anyway. That's the job.

You do not get a standing ovation in a courtroom for being guilty. I've never once seen it. Guilty frogs get silence and a slow walk back to B-block. PeePoo got an encore request from the foreperson of the jury deciding his fate. I keep the cell ready across the block from the noise, and every night the honest frog in it asks me how the neighbor's knees are doing. Guilty frogs don't ask after knees. I've locked up enough of them to know the difference by now.

Cross-Examination

Bailiff, isn't a courtroom crying together mass sentiment rather than evidence of innocence?: Sentiment doesn't move twelve jurors and a bailiff the same direction at the same second. Evidence does. We didn't cry when he was charged. We cried when the tongue-casts came out. The tears tracked the proof, not the mood. I know because I was fighting them the whole way and lost exactly when Flossie's overlay went up.
You banged the gavel to stop an encore. Aren't you admitting the proceedings had become a performance?: I'm admitting the defendant sang his charged offense in open court so the jury could evaluate it directly. That's not a performance. That's the most cooperative a defendant has ever been with the actual charge. Most of them deny the croak. He performed the croak. You can't fake into a charge like that.
You say you can spot a fake cry. What makes PeePoo's real?: A fake cry starts when the jury looks and stops when they don't. His started when the evidence cleared him and got worse when nobody was watching, in the cell, alone, over a neighbor's knees. I've done the night rounds. Real grief doesn't perform to an empty block. His does it every night.
No further questions.: Good, because I'm going again. Eleven seasons and he's the only inmate I've hoped to lose. Free him. B-block's too small for a frog that honest.

Testimony sworn, logged, and cross-examined. Courtroom recess for collective weeping noted in the minutes. Do not remove pins.

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Even the jailer swore for him. Hand Bailiff Marsh's word to the swamp.

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